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"just root.root.root for the home team"

On 17, May 2011 | No Comments | In Uncategorized | By Natalie

i think i startled her.

because i nearly jumped at her

when she walked into

class today.

“what is that on your shirt!!?”

silence. perhaps a gasp.

speaking more slowly,

i try again.

“do you know? your shirt?

do you know what it says?“

she stares.

and giggles

nervously.

she has no idea.

i try one more time,

“my baseball team.”

i make the

universally understood swinging

baseball motion.

“daegu, samsung lions?

same-same…

minnesota twins.”

“ok, teacher.”

is her only response.

she graciously allowed me

a photograph

to document my

disbelief.

korea is truly amazing.

truly amazing

at copying.

i’m pretty sure you doesn’t know it.

but it’s rooting.

for my

home team.

07

May
2011

One Comment

some favorite things

On 07, May 2011 | One Comment | In Uncategorized | By Natalie

dear mom.

somethings i really like to do

with you.

and only you…

like getting up early to
share a cup of tea.

like pulling up our pant-legs
mid-march,
to show
neither of us
wearing socks.

like shopping,
wandering around
and enjoying the beauty
of lovely things.

like red shoes.
stealing…
oh i mean
…
borrowing.
borrowing each others
coveted shoe finds.

like morning walks
through the woods
behind the house of my childhood.

like dreaming about the future
and what it could hold
for both of us.

like telling you all about
the things that
seem to be running around
in my brain.

like riding in your
car
with the top down
and singing along to our
favorite musicals
for all to hear.

so today.
as mother’s day approaches.
i just want to say,
thanks for being my mom.
thanks for choosing to wear
this title:
mother.

you bear it well.
you’ve pursued it beautifully.
i admire that it is but
one of the many titles
you bear
that make up who you are.

so thanks.
because i really enjoy
being your
daughter.

and being the one
who gets to remind you
of this choice you made,
every time
i call you…

“mom”.

love & love.
your daughter,

me.

03

May
2011

spring.

On 03, May 2011 | No Comments | In Uncategorized | By Natalie

25

Apr
2011

One Comment

easter: tradition

On 25, Apr 2011 | One Comment | In Uncategorized | By Natalie

i was on the phone

with my mom

just the other day.

we talked of the upcoming

holiday:

easter.

being far away from

family and friends,

i asked what festivities

would be taking place at home

without me.

the easter egg hunt?

the egg dying?

the visiting easter bunny?

lunch?

brunch?

family photos?

no, she replied.

the usual easter festivities

are on pause

until another year, she said.

because

this year my family finds itself

stationed in various

locations

around the globe.

we are not together.

and so the usual is not

the usual this year.

before i knew what was happening.

i was …. angry.

at my mom.

my mom?

whose children have traveled far

from her by their own accord.

whose children are not filling

her house this holiday.

i was angry at

my mom.

because when you are not home.

you imagine that home still goes on.

in fact, you need it to.

because it is home.

it’s your culture.

it’s your traditions.

it has made you

who you are.

but what i sometimes forget…

is that MY CHOICES

affect the whole.

MY CHOICES,

not to be classified as

good

or

bad.

but just as MY CHOICES.

they affect my mom,

they affect home.

my irrational anger

turned to simple disappointment,

all the while giving me

greater understanding

of myself

of what i want

and what i desire in life.

i realized that i needed

the traditions.

the remembrance of the traditions

when i find myself

a long way from home.

because it is the traditions

that serve as a reminder of

who i am

of who i want to be

and of where i come from.

because sometimes it takes

distance for you

realize that you need

reminders.

reminders

of who you are.

who you want to be.

and where it is you came from.

so, dear friends,

make the traditions.

remind your family, your friends,

your sisters,

your children, your aunties

and cousins.

remind them to mark the days.

because someday

you might find that your little girl

has traveled a long way

from home.

and you might find that you miss her on

the special days.

but you can be sure…

you can be sure that the traditions,

the way you marked the days,

while they might have

seemed foolish,

so much work and effort

at the time.

you can be sure,

that she now holds onto them.

perhaps clings to them

as she is out there

in the world.

as she walks confidently out into

the world,

she holds within her

bits of you

that you gave her

steadily over the years.

she might never acknowledge it.

to you

or even herself.

but it matters.

the traditions,

they matter.

mark the days.

so when distance separates,

you can be reminded.

that is…

if you need a reminder

which, sometimes we do.

this is how my mom celebrated her easter day this year.

with a small red pot of tea, the afternoon sun, along the mississippi river…

this is how i celebrated my easter day this year.

with some friends, a blanket, the afternoon sun, along the river…

happy easter.

11

Apr
2011

dusk.

On 11, Apr 2011 | No Comments | In Uncategorized | By Natalie

i could see it from my

classroom window.

i knew it would be

stunning.

so after my 36 “see you next time!”

to my students,

i threw my things

together,

waved a hurried goodbye

to my co-teacher,

and i was out the door.

i wanted to see the sun,

to see it say its goodbye

to the day

from the roof

of my apartment.

with my camera,

i stood tip-toe

on the corner of the

drying-rack stand.

i could just see the very last

edges of it.

it cast the most beautifully

haunting shadows and shades

over every object in its sight.

the light

made the ordinary

magical

and intriguing.

while i starred

at the last rays

of the beams of sun

it seemed that

everything else went a bit

blurry.

and only the sun

mattered.

08

Apr
2011

cookies on the corner

On 08, Apr 2011 | No Comments | In Uncategorized | By Natalie

02

Apr
2011

colors of a garden.

On 02, Apr 2011 | No Comments | In Uncategorized | By Natalie

have you ever walked through

a garden

in spring time?

when the dirt looks hard and tired?

brittle still from remeants of cold that

cling despite the sun’s beams?

untilled, rocky at the edges.

torn and cracked from

months of aloneness?

it’s hard to imagine.

that something,

that anything

could

come from:

grey-ness. dull-ness.

often

i assess the outcome

long before the

growing as even taken place.

i often desire the end, first.

without the process.

sometimes i desire to rush things

to rush people

to rush myself

into the potential

that is waiting.

lucky for me.

lucky for you.

farming is left to the wise.

who know better.

this past weekend.

i attended a yoga purification camp

28

Mar
2011

easter and unaware.

On 28, Mar 2011 | No Comments | In Uncategorized | By Natalie

the usual reminders of Easter’s

approach

are not reminding.

there are no chocolate bunnies

for sale in every department store.

pastel colors have no

special place in advertising

or decals.

i hardly know what to do

with Easter.

bunnies are not my thing.

pastels make my head sick.

waxy chocolate cannot tempt me.

egg decorating is not my hidden talent.

the Easter bunny always visited my house

leaving a small,

pink, fluffy trail behind

for two little (or grown) girls to follow

toward the basket at the end.

i grew up excited about these traditions.

about a new Easter dress

even though this thought was always

a bit ridiculous due to
the untimely
snowstorms that were inevitable
around Easter.
snow pilling the earth
often was the spoiler of my Easter
hopes.

but Easter.
has changed.
as have i.

a couple of years ago.
i had a falling out.
with the beliefs of my youth.

it was intense.
and it affected every bit
of my being.

there was anger,
frustration,
irrational thoughts,
passionate rants,
mind-filled turmoil.

no question was too big.

it was asked.

turning turning turning
upside down
inside out and empty.
the examining of every smallest
thought in ever corner.
nothing was left
unturned.
uncontemplated.

and i found it hard…
impossible to go back.
because going back is not
an option.
all we have is the here.
and now.
and we must walk on.

but i didn’t know how.
because it was all
so new.
especially one Easter season,
not so long ago.
i didn’t know how
if
what
or
why
to celebrate.

one afternoon.
when i was with a friend.
who i deeply, deeply admire.
in the middle
of a passionate rant
i stopped.
i stopped to ask her.
“why? why does Easter even matter?”

i remember.
she paused.
for several moments.
her hand reminded those
brown bangs
to stay behind
her ear.

“you know? i think it matters
because
it reminds us.
that love…
love is the way.
and love wins.“

Easter? no.
it had to be more than that.
it’s about
god
and graves
and tombs
and death
and a son of god and woman
and re-living.

about sins
and crosses
and three days
and one answer
and lillys
and bunnies
and pastel colors.

love?
how can it be about love?

because a man
a man, the story tells us,
named jesus.
came and lived.
and changed things.
he showed it was not
the rules
and not
the violence
that were the answers.

the rules,
the “whose in and whose out”,
the violence

they were not the way.

there was another way…

a way that wins.
always.

the way of love.

and so may we be reminded today:
Easter.
love is the way.

in the broken relationships
that you think will never be whole…

in the moments of frustration
that you think no understanding will come…

when morning comes and you are
covered in clinging sadness…

when evil stares down at you, oppresses you with
dictators, machine guns and foreign policy…

when a child greets you
with excitement and joy…

when two worlds far far away become one
just for a few fleeting moments…

when new life comes forth
from what appeared to be only death and darkness…

when you discover that truth
is all around you…

love. is. the. way.

and this year, before the sun rises on Easter morning
i will wake and early
and find the hills
with the words from my friend
tucked securely in, around and through me.

i want to whisper something to the pines

and scream something to the wind…

that is year

i think i might believe it.

love wins.

24

Mar
2011

i can’t. because it doesn’t.

On 24, Mar 2011 | No Comments | In Uncategorized | By Natalie

i can’t move.

i am glued.

i am paralyzed from movement.

even my sub-concious is preoccupied.

the necessity of blinking

forgotten.

is it fear?

is it status?

is it genuine concern?

is it a way of life?

Egypt.

Libya.

Japan.

power to the people!

people being slaughtered by their leader.

water rears its inescapable power.

it’s an addiction.

i must watch.

must read the minute blog updates.

because i must know.
check a myriad of news sources

in order to find the best

information.

most current updates.

opinions.

and images.

the earth is crying.

it’s people are screaming to be heard.

am i listening?

i turn on my computer.

i see blogs.

status updates.

youtube trailers, commercials.

box office top sellers.

and i can’t wrap my mind around it.

so i post pictures from

last weeks bike ride.

my mind.
it can’t hold it all.

Libya.

UN gives thumbs up for war.

bombs. dropping.

Japan.

nuclear reactors failing.

13,000 missing.

mothers. fathers. sisters. grandpas.

missing.

i see blogs posting

pretty pictures.

arts & crafts.

cooking recipes.

travel plans.

funny stories.

kid stories.

new musicians.

new art openings.

personal narratives.

and.

on.

and on.

i can’t wrap my mind around it.

the thin hours of the morning

are getting used to my company.

because i don’t sleep when

i should.

i check just one more site.

to try to understand

the devastation.

i can’t understand.

mindlessly click through pictures
on Mark Zuckerberg’s genius invention.
i see
trips of spring break.
bikinis.
new additions to families in barking dog form.
engagement poses.
tales of last nights drinking binge.

my mind is spinning trying to hold it all.

i don’t know who to believe.

“We must go to war. Libyans are being masacurred.”

“We don’t want another Iraq.”
“Some Peace-Prize President you have.”
“Would we just wait for another Rwanda?”

i can’t wrap my mind around it.

bombs dropping
screams
protests
sign holding
accompany my dreams.

then i’m talking,
“hi how are you?”
“repeat after me, ‘nice to meet you’. good kids!”
“oh your a vegetarian? that’s awesome.”
“i want a new shirt.”
“damn korea. why can’t i get a good beer around here!”

. . . . . .

what is this?
what is this world that i live in?
it cannot all be connected.
it can’t be.
it just
can’t.

17

Mar
2011